I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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