grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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