take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
third nipple confirmed
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
