Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
