Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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