are you still at the devil's house?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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