I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
