U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
