Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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