sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
