Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
