would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
