allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
