Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
