I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
