i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
