She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
