last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
