Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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