I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
