When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
