Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
