from now on my penis is your penis
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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