I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
