Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
