I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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