You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
