I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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