I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
