Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
