we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
