Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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