I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
