he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
where are you?
Hypothermia
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
