Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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