Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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