I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
