It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
did i just pee glitter
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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