you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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