i already hear my dad disowning me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
