Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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