Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
this hospital has no fireball
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
