hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
