We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dicks are not precious.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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