the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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