I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
