I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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