its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
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i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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