The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
