I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
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I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
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I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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