You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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