I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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