yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
