When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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