Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
