I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
