i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
