i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
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he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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