I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
