Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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