You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
