I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
