You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
