So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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